


Can You Hold Me

by marececilys



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst, COHF, F/M, Sadness, Sizzy - Freeform, Songfic, city of heavenly fire - Freeform, post-max death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-07
Updated: 2015-09-07
Packaged: 2018-04-19 15:13:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4751024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marececilys/pseuds/marececilys
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prompt: Sizzy + Can You Hold Me by NF</p>
            </blockquote>





	Can You Hold Me

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place at Jocelyn and Luke's wedding at the end of CoHF.
> 
> I do not own the lyrics.

He knew it the moment he saw her. He wasn’t really sure what he knew, exactly, just that somehow, though impossible, he had seen her before. And when she had come up to him, he was only a little surprised when she knew his name. And when she’d told him who she was, he felt simultaneously like everything was coming together and falling apart. For months he’d felt like something was missing, and he didn’t know what it was. And now he had it, but it was more complicated and confusing than anything he’d ever known.

* * *

_It feels like a tear in my heart_   
_Like a part of me missing_   
_And I just can’t feel it_   
_I’ve tried and I’ve tried_   
_And I’ve tried_

* * *

“Dance with me.”

He took hold of the hand outstretched to him, long delicate fingers as pale as moonlight curling around his. Everything about her was familiar to him, in the distant way things sometimes were, when you were positive that you had laid your lips against the curve of her throat but you can’t remember when.  And her eyes are full of a feeling you can’t decipher and you know you’ve seen it before, you know she’s looked at you that way before. The feelings come back but the memories are gone. He could almost feel them there, swimming in the back of his mind, fading in and out, disappearing all together when he looked to close. The past was a murky swirl of the unknown. All he had was now.

They danced, or more like swayed, along to the music, watching the people spin past. He didn’t know if they had danced before, but there was something about the feeling of her arms around him that reminded him of another time. An image came into his mind then, briefly, and he saw themselves in the same position, a tear rolling down a flushed cheek and onto the makeup-stained carpet. It was just a flash, and it disappeared as quickly as it had come. He tried desperately to grab for it again.

Isabelle was looking at him strangely now. “Are you okay?” She asked. “You look like someone just told you-”

“That the world is really full of demons and monsters and I used to be a vampire and have a really hot girlfriend but then some asshole demon took my memories away?”

“Well,” she said, “That, or you’re really constipated. Your face is scrunched up like you’re in pain.”

“Thanks.”

She laughed. Her laugh was a beautiful sound, like bells ringing through the air. “It’s cute.”

“Me looking constipated is cute. Noted.”

She punched his arm playfully.

“Ow,” he said, rubbing it, although it hadn’t really hurt. They danced in silence for a few more moments, both of them trying desperately to fight the ocean between them.

“So,” Izzy said after a while. “Do you… you really don’t remember  _anything_?” He could hear the hurt in her voice that she tried to hide.

“Not  _anything_. I mean, not  _not_  anything. I mean, I remember  _some_  things, but they’re so fuzzy I can hardly make them out.”

“Like…?”

“Like…” He paused. The memory he was thinking of was still there at the back of his mind, but he couldn’t bring himself to tell her about it. He shook his head frustratingly. “Like nothing, I guess. It’s too abstract to explain. Just like there’s something there, but I can’t see what it is.”

Isabelle nodded, but her eyes were sad.

“I’m sorry.”

She shrugged. “It’s not your fault.”

But he wondered if it was. From what she’d told him, he had  _offered_  to give up his memories. Sure, he had done it to save his friends, but he had given himself up all the same. It was strange. It was like the Simon they knew then was a different person from  _this_  Simon. This Simon wasn’t a hero. He cheated at  _video games_ , for Christ sake. Sacrificing himself for the greater good was never something he ever thought he’d do. But he had done it. And people had been hurt because of it.

They danced along to the music in silence.

* * *

_Just wrap me in your arms, in your arms_   
_I don’t wanna be nowhere else_   
_Take me from the dark, from the dark_   
_I ain’t gonna make it myself_

* * *

_What do you remember? Nothing, I guess._

Except that hadn’t been true. He hadn’t told her of the image that was burning through his mind, becoming clearer now as he danced with his arms around her.

_It’s not your fault._

As soon as she’d said those words, he knew he had said them to her before. He could see it now:

_They were in her room. The carpet was white and the walls were beige. The lace curtains lay still against a closed window at the end of the room. She was sitting on the floor, mascara smudged under wet eyes. She smelled of roses and sweat. He leaned in close to her and wiped a tear from her cheek._

* * *

_Tears on my face I can’t take it_   
_If lonely is the taste then it’s all that I’m tasting_   
_Do you hear my cry?_

* * *

“It’s all my fault. I’m the reason my brother is dead.”

“Shh. Don’t say that.” He wrapped his arms around her and she sniffled into his shirt. “It’s not your fault. You couldn’t have known. You gave him everything you could have. You didn’t betray him. You loved him till the end, that’s all that matters.”

She sobbed loudly into his shoulder. He could tell she didn’t believe him. But he didn’t think there was anything else he could do to convince her. So he just held her while she cried.

* * *

_Can you hold me?_

* * *

Their dancing slowed. She rested her head on his shoulder. He held her while the music surrounded them, filling their minds with the memories and feelings they would never be able to speak.

* * *

_Can you hold me?_

_Can you hold me in your arms?_


End file.
